Gaslighting is a subtle and damaging form of manipulation where a person makes you doubt your own reality, memory, or perceptions. It can be found in various social and interpersonal settings, from romantic relationships to workplaces, and even within families or friendships. The emotional toll of gaslighting can lead to anxiety, self-doubt, and low self-esteem, making it crucial to recognize the signs and protect your mental health.
While gaslighting can occur in any social setting, it’s particularly prevalent in certain interpersonal relationships. Studies show a correlation between exposure to controlling and manipulative behavior and higher levels of anxiety and lower self-esteem among young adults ( https://ijip.in/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/18.01.350.20241202.pdf)
Let’s explore some common scenarios and strategies to overcome this harmful behavior
1. Romantic Relationships
In romantic relationships, gaslighting can be especially damaging as the emotional closeness makes victims more vulnerable A partner might:
- Deny or minimize your feelings: “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
- Twist your words: “You said you didn’t mind.” “I never said that.”
- Blame you for their problems: “You’re the reason I’m so stressed.” “If you weren’t so difficult, I wouldn’t have to drink.”
- Isolate you from friends and family: “They don’t understand me.” “They don’t like you.”
When you bring up feeling hurt by your partner’s constant lateness, instead of acknowledging your emotions, they respond, “You’re always overreacting. I wasn’t even late, you’re just too sensitive.” is a sign of gaslighting
Overcoming Gaslighting:
- Set Boundaries: Establish what behaviors are unacceptable, and communicate them. If your feelings are being dismissed repeatedly, it’s essential to stand firm in your emotions.
- Keep a Journal: Documenting incidents can help clarify what happened and provide evidence when things get blurry.
- Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist to gain an outside perspective.
Research shows that psychological abuse, including gaslighting, is a major factor contributing to the development of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem in victims . https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0277539524000839#:~:text=Victims%20of%20gaslighting%20often%20experience,powerless%20(Ahern%2C%202018).
2. Workplace Environment
Gaslighting in the workplace can be subtle, manifesting through power dynamics, where bosses or colleagues make you question your professional abilities, memory, or even your value at work. It often occurs when someone in a position of power is trying to avoid responsibility or undermine their employees. A boss or coworker might:
- Question your abilities. “You’re not capable of doing that.” “You’re not cut out for this job.”
- Take credit for your work. “I came up with that idea.” “I did most of the work on that project.”
- Create a hostile work environment. Makes you feel like you’re always making mistakes or causing problems.
For instance, a manager regularly criticizes your work in meetings, but when you confront them privately, they say, “I never said that. You’re making things up, you’re too sensitive about feedback.”
Overcoming Gaslighting:
- Document Everything: Keep emails, meeting notes, or other written records of communication. This ensures you have factual evidence when incidents are denied.
- Have a Witness: Whenever possible, involve a third party in important discussions to prevent situations where things can be twisted.
- Seek HR Help: If the behavior persists, report the issue to HR, with clear documentation of incidents.
3. Family Settings
Family gaslighting can happen between parents and children, siblings, or extended family members. Often, this occurs when one family member tries to maintain control or dominance over others by denying past events, undermining emotions, or downplaying issues. They-
- Make you feel like you’re always wrong. “You’re never going to amount to anything.” “You’re just like your mother.”
- Minimize your achievements. “That’s not a big deal.” “Anyone could do that.”
- Blame you for family problems. “You’re the one causing all the trouble.” “If you weren’t so selfish, we wouldn’t have these problems.”
For example, you confront your sibling about their hurtful behavior during childhood, only to hear, “That never happened. You always make up these stories.”
Overcoming Gaslighting:
- Trust Your Memory: Your feelings and memories are valid, even if others deny them. Writing down significant incidents and how they made you feel can be grounding.
- Limit Contact: In cases where gaslighting is persistent and harmful, it’s okay to set boundaries and limit interactions with family members.
- Therapy: Family dynamics can be complex, and therapy can help unpack the trauma and emotional effects of long-term gaslighting.
4. Friendship Circles
Gaslighting within friendships can be harder to identify, as friendships are based on trust. A friend might gaslight you by making you feel like you’re always in the wrong or exaggerating issues. They might manipulate group dynamics, making you question your behavior or role within the group. You express feeling left out in a group chat, and your friend responds, “You’re always imagining things. No one’s excluding you, stop being so dramatic.”
Overcoming Gaslighting:
- Communicate Directly: Approach your friend one-on-one and express how you feel, without accusation. Be clear about what behaviors hurt you.
- Evaluate the Friendship: A healthy friendship involves mutual respect. If gaslighting persists, it may be time to reassess the relationship.
- Affirm Your Reality: Reaffirm your perspective by speaking with other friends or those who have witnessed the dynamic.
Gaslighting in Online Communities
Gaslighting can also occur online, particularly in social media groups and online forums. Trolls or online bullies might:
- Make fun of your appearance or beliefs. “You’re ugly.” “You’re stupid.”
- Spread rumors about you. “They’re crazy.” “They’re a liar.”
- Cyberstalk you. Send you threatening or harassing messages.
Overcoming gaslighting online:
- Block and report the gaslighter. If possible, block the person and report their behavior to the platform.
- Limit your time online. Take a break from social media if it’s causing you stress.
- Seek support from friends and family. Talk to someone you trust about what you’re going through.
- Consider therapy. A therapist can help you cope with the emotional impact of online gaslighting.
Research suggests that emotional intelligence can be a shield against gaslighting, while happiness may inadvertently increase vulnerability. Additionally, gaslighting is an issue that affects both men and women equally ( https://ijip.in/articles/a-study-on-emotional-intelligence-gaslighting-and-happiness-on-male-and-female-employees-in-the-workplace/)
Remember, you are not alone. Gaslighting is a common experience, and there are ways to overcome it. By recognizing the signs of gaslighting and taking steps to protect yourself, you can regain your sense of self and build healthy relationships. Whether in relationships, at work, or even in healthcare settings, the effects of gaslighting can lead to self-doubt, anxiety, and emotional distress. Recognizing the signs, setting boundaries, and seeking support are key steps in overcoming the harmful impact of gaslighting and reclaiming your mental well-being.
